Pondering Death
by BakuBakuRemix
Summary: When you're nearing the end of your rope, it's hard not to consider using it for a noose. Is there even a point to living, anyway? ON HOLD INDEFINITELY DUE TO S BEING GONE, SORRY
1. Bakura : Suicide

"Well, it's not like they would ever notice if I did jump."

Oh really?

"Mm, really."

You stand with your back against the fence, the wind on the roof rough and persistent to whip your unkempt hair carelessly about your face. I watch the clouds reflected in your glassy marble eyes, head tipped back to the heavens and squinting against the bright sunlight. It's a beautiful day, the sky is your favorite color, but you don't smile anyway.

"What do you think?"

Hm?

"About death."

I have to think about that, it's pretty vague. I guess I think that it's something like a destination, the end of a journey - a long one in my case.

"All beings have to reach it someday then?" You turn, fingers hooking in the chain links and peering down at the busy city below. I can't see it from where I'm standing, but I can hear the bustle of thousands of people and the occasional chime of the trains going in and out of the nearby station.

I stall again before answering. I guess we do all have to die, survival is only a means of delaying the inevitable.

You laugh. "That's a gloomy outlook, but I suppose I should expect that from you."

You're the one bringing up death.

"Mm, I suppose that's true. Well, at delaying the inevitable, you've succeeded a long time, ne? What will you do when your current life comes to an end, find another piece of jewelry to inhabit?"

I don't think that's possible. Plus, I think I'm ready to move on now, three thousand years is a long time to exist, if not be entirely alive.

There's a clanking sound as your brow hits the fence, metal creaking slightly with your weight. "You want to die?"

Eventually.

"What do you think about dying now?"

You don't sound finished, so I don't respond. As expected, you continue, "Look, it's high enough, if we fell there's no way we could survive. Don't you think it would be nice?"

No. Dying is a coward's way out you know.

You shrug, still turned away from me. "I don't really mind being a coward. I think I'd rather people thought that of me than nothing at all."

So you'd die for attention? Or is it that you're dying because you're not getting enough? You're literally dying for someone to love you.

"Shut up."

Fine.

You look up again to watch some seagulls fly overhead, wailing their eerie cries. "Shut up!" you yell, this time at the birds that couldn't care less about your pent up snarls of fury. They drift on in the wind as though the world below were nothing to them.

"You won't even let me die, really?" you ask sometime later, once your rage has subsided. You've turned back to me now, looking somewhat drained with the mere effort of being angry - no wonder you're tired, I know first hand how hard it is to be so hateful all the time.

You laugh hollowly. "That's really unfair, you know. You come into my life and destroy everything.. and now you get to start from scratch now you've finished with me. I wonder what god I pissed off in my past life..."

I cant deny that, I've accepted my guilt long ago. Disowned by your family, mistrusted by your friends, school career ruined beyond repair - I left a crumbled ruin of your adolescence behind me in my destructive wake and it's not something I can redeem myself for. So I listen.

Dying isn't the answer. Don't you want to do something with your life? I imagine the things that you could do with your abilities, the kind wife you might eventually have if you were as sweet as you used to be.

"There isn't anything that could fix this mess of a life you've left me with," you shoot back spitefully.

I've sworn myself to you before the gods, I can't offer any more amends than that. I put up with your rage and your tantrums and your tears because it's all I can do. I'm going to spend the rest of my life trying to make up for the pain I caused you.

"Well that's kind of you. A little depressing that the person I hate the most is more thoughtful than anyone else in my life."

Not much I can say to that.

"So you really think I'll let you stay by me forever?"

You haven't asked me to leave yet.

"Would you leave if I asked you to?"

Yes.

"And if I asked you to kill me?"

...

"Bakura."

I meet your eyes, and they are as hard as stone - as hard as your heart has become.

"I want you to kill me. Will you do it?"

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><p><strong>AN: <strong>Did'ja miss us? -Heart fingers.-


	2. Ryou : Hate

It's like you're waiting for me to repeat it again. I roll my eyes and turn away, leaning my shoulder against the creaking fence.

Pretty much what I expected, you're all talk.

"Wh- that's stupid, you can't hold it against me because I _won't_ kill you!" I can hear the frustration trickling into your voice, somewhat unsteady as you're clearly trying not to lose your temper with me. I smirk, hiding my triumphant face with the pretense of watching the streets below.

I know you've changed, and I think that's the real reason I can't forgive you. You just make it harder and harder to keep hating you, and I need someone to blame if I'm going to keep living - of course I'll never tell you that.

Just shut up. It's your own fault that you're angry with me, you're the one who won't stop following me around.

Not that I want you to go. I need you here, I need someone to tear apart day after day after day. This stupid life goes on forever, the monotony only broken by my fights with you. The rage surges through my veins every time I see your face, igniting some deadened part of me.

You sigh. "Fine." I'm still not looking, but I can feel the fence shift as you put your weight against it too with a soft squeak. Patiently waiting for me.

I know I'm deliberately going to take my time getting us home, just because I know you're tired. Hell, I'm tired too, but lately I'm the kind of person who'll happily inconvenience myself just to spite you. Funny, I didn't used to be like this, I'm not sure I like it but it's too late to change now.

I'm just that hateful now.

I hate how much it hurts just simply seeing my old friends.

I hate how sick I feel every time I meet your eyes.

I hate how hard everything has become for me, that I have to struggle and crawl every single step of the way.

I hate how tired I am of fighting and screaming and how I just want everything to _stop-_

But really, I think I hate myself the most. More than you, more than Yugi-kun, more than anything that's ever been done to me, more than that god forsaken necklace. I hate myself and what I've let myself turn into.

I hate how much I hate, but that's all I am now.

I hate how much like _you _I've become.

We stand there in silence for a long time - I'm not sure how long, I don't want to check my phone out of pure stubbornness. The sky grows steadily darker, and air cooler as the wind chills my skin. I wonder if you're cold; I hope so.

I swallow, trying to mask the chatter of my teeth.

Go home ahead of me.

"Hm?" I think you might actually have fallen asleep, your voice sounds groggy.

I said, go home first, I want to be alone. Before you can argue, for some stupid reason, I give you a glare over my shoulder. I mean it.

With another whine of the rusty metal fence, you stand up and nod to me. Your cheeks are flushed with the cold and you have your collar pulled up high on your neck. "Alright." You sound doubtful, eyes passively wary as though you expect me to just jump off the building the moment you walk away.

But I don't. I watch the little white speck of your hair below all the way up the block, disappearing into the dusk without even once considering ending my life. Because, obviously, if you're not here to see it there's no point. If I'm going to die, I want you to _know_ that it's all your fault.

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><p><strong>AN: <strong>Reviews make chapters happen faster!


	3. Bakura : Alone

I suppose it's not surprising, but even though I've been living here for over a year now your apartment doesn't feel like home to me. Probably due to the fact that I'm really not welcome here, but not to mention I haven't had a place to call home since before recorded history.

Not like you do much to make it "home" for yourself either. It's a single, sparse room of an apartment, decorated simply with tatami flooring and both of our futons rolled up in the closet. The walls are white and bare, devoid of any sort of personalization as if you're afraid you might end up actually feeling comfortable here. It almost looks like it could be up for sale still, except for the mini fridge in the corner.

I guess there's no point, since you only come home to sleep anyway.

The light above me flickers as I sigh, sitting on the window frame in this lonely little room. I've been checking my watch now and then and it's getting to be nearly eleven by this point, and you're still not home. It's not really anything unusual, I've stayed out with you later than this before, but I can't help the creeping concern as I watch the dark world outside that seems to stretch on forever.

Where are you, anyway? What are you doing?

..stop it, I know you're probably fine, you'll come back eventually.

The whole thing is pretty ironic. Back when I was in the ring I couldn't have given less of shit about you. I think the most thought I gave to your existence was that if you died it would be terribly inconvenient for me since I'd have to go to the trouble of finding someone else to possess. Now, I find myself needing to be sure you're safe.

Maybe I'm just protecting myself, unsure what would happen if you were suddenly gone and I was left to fend for myself in this world where I don't exist. Or maybe I just need to be sure you're alright since I've promised to try and make amends. I don't know, I haven't had feelings in so long I think I've forgotten how they work.

I think I need to go for a walk, I can't relax all alone in here. Maybe I'll run into you on your way back.

The streetlamps outside are hazy and yellowed, spread thinly around so that they actually don't do much good. It's pitch dark out here now, though warmer than earlier which is nice since I've left my coat back at home. The smell of a mosquito coil is wafting around the still night air, and I can hear the sounds of chirping insects in the grass. It's a nice night.

No one is out here but me, but that's not too unusual considering the time and being somewhat out of the way of the city's hustle and bustle. Most of the nearby buildings' lights are off, people sleeping and shops closed up tight with the exception of the convenience store a few blocks ahead that's still lit up.

I don't know why I thought you might be out here. Wandering aimlessly around the block I realize it was a stupid thing to think, I don't even know where you are or when you might be coming back. _If_ you're coming back, I remind myself, like I do every time you end up out later than normal.

Maybe you really did kill yourself, I ponder vaguely, kicking at a stray stone on the concrete.

It's around two in the morning when I finally end up meandering purposelessly back to our apartment, not surprised to see that the lights are still off through the window. Either you're still out, or you've gone to bed like any normal person at this hour; my eyelids are feeling pretty heavy too.

For a moment when I walk in, I think the worst. Splayed on the floor without even your bed made, my heart pounding in alarm, sure you contemplate suicide, but I didn't really think that you'd _do it_-

But no, I can hear the sound of your shallow breathing. There's a half empty bottle clutched loosely in your hand, a few other empty ones tipped onto their sides by your feet, and the smell of sick and alcohol permeates the room. As I watch, you roll over somewhat and the rest of the drink spills out onto the floor. We'll have to change them mats tomorrow.

Goodnight, yadonushi.

* * *

><p><strong>AN:<strong> Hope the title change doesn't confuse anyone. So, what do you guys think, slash or no?

Also hey, look, replies to reviews to show our undying love and appreciation.

wolfen princess14: Thanks for the warm welcome back! Glad to be writing again, we missed you guys. Er. Gals. Whatever.

OkayAsAPlum: Honestly we didn't know either. M was like "We need to write something" and S wasn't being helpful in idea creating and then chapter two just kind of happened. Thank you for the compliments, we love english so we try not to butcher it if at all possible.. thanks for reading!

AmeeraSakura: Perhaps! You'll have to let us know, we have no idea what we're doing. XD

Comicker: Thanks so much! Positive feedback is our power source. I guess that means flames are our Kryptonite? Anyway, hope we keep on pleasing even though this story isn't as much like what we usually write.


	4. Ryou : Headache

Don't talk to me.

"I wasn't going to."

Sure you weren't.

My head is killing me, and the motion of the train is making me want to throw up. To make matters worse, I overslept and the last train is always packed, leaving all of us in this steamy car packed together like surprisingly willing canned fish. Amazing that we just walk in here of our own free will.

The speaker announces a stop and we rock to a halt again; several people, including you, spill into me. I shoulder you roughly off and shoot you a warning glare. I don't care it wasn't your fault, don't touch me.

"It isn't _my _fault you have a hangover," I hear you say in bewilderment. Except for the part where it totally is, but the train's just started again and I'll be sick if I open my mouth.

Why are you even here? You always have to follow me everywhere, it makes me crazy.

"I'm trying to help."

The unemployment office is a government building. If they find out you don't really exist they'll.. I don't even know honestly. It's not like there's anywhere for them to deport you, it's not like you have a three-thousand year out-of-date Egyptian passport lying around somewhere.

A smirk passes over your lips. "Why do you care? If I do get arrested or something, all the better for you right? I'll be out of your hair."

I blink, an unexplained sensation settling in my stomach - like I'd missed a step going down the stairs. Shaking my head (and instantly wishing I had not) I rest my head against one of the standing bars. Whatever, I'm too tired to argue with you today.

We're in the middle of a recession so a high school drop out like me isn't exactly garnering top priority for legal funding. The system pretty much traps people in my situation in an endless loop of poverty - I can't get a job because I haven't graduated, but because I'm eighteen, I'm no longer able to get financial support that I got when I was a minor. And without money, I can't go back to school.

The woman at the unemployment office desk clearly thinks I wasted my time in high school and I don't deserve any aid - I'd tell her off, but I need her approval to eat this month. I grit my teeth, trying not to break the pen in my anger as I sign paper after paper.

It's not _my_ fault I missed so many classes, but it's not like I can tell anyone that without getting myself locked away in a psych ward somewhere.

You're waiting outside for me when I finally get out of there. "How did it go?"

About as well as can be expected, I'll have to wait for the mail to come though to see if we're going to starve. The sun is high and bright by this point and I pinch my nose as my throbbing head starts protesting. Fuck, why did drinking seem like such a good idea yesterday.

All of a sudden there's something wet and cold against my face and I swat it in alarm, feeling my hand knock into it and send whatever it is clattering across the floor. Just- what?

"Ah, damn-" I blink over and you're leaning over to grab a small bottle off the sidewalk. You hold it out to me. "Sorry, here. The lady at the store said this was good for hangovers."

I stare.

You glance at the small drink. "It's not poisoned or anything."

I snort. I don't want to accept any favors from _you_.

Your face falls at my words, not that you were exactly cheerful before but now you look almost depressed. With a sigh and another painful pulse in my head, I snatch the bottle out of your hand and crack it open. Least you could do I suppose.

"Heh." Mid sip I look over to see you grinning again, seeming quite pleased all of a sudden. That weird feeling in my gut is back, and I realize it's because I've never seen you actually smile before today. It's unsettling, to say the least.

By the time we're on the train home my headache is almost gone.

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><p><strong>AN:<strong> We cannot agree on a description, don't hate us. XD Also remember, the more reviews the faster we write!

wolfen princess14: Sorry for the confusion, hope it's a little easier to understand with the chapter titles.. but maybe not. As for slash.. maybe! We're still deciding. :

Seren147: Seren, my love! Thank you for reading it at all, your input is always valued.. not to play favorites, but it's hard to help it 'cause WLU. Pff, of course you'd be reading it as slash.. and so are we, honestly. I don't think the concept of straight exists with these two in our minds anymore. And here's an update just for you BB.

AmeeraSakura: Forgive me, it was an attempt at a joke that didn't work! M expresses his grievous apologies for his lousy sense of humor. But yes, drama we can do, we'll do our best! As for drinking.. yes. As you can see, we needed a hangover.

OkayAsAPlum: Oh good, we do too. XD Really good points on the slash, we're going to have to think really carefully how we want to do this, thanks for sharing your thoughts. Thanks, and hope you like the new chapter!


	5. Bakura : Post

How many weeks have gone by, while you've been waiting? Two, three times a day you've been checking the letterbox like you're hinging your last hope on the post, sighing and angrily tearing anything that disappoints you to shreds.

"It's not like I can pay them anyway," you say when I raise my eyebrows, as if that clears everything up. Pay who? I don't know what you're waiting for, but that's apparently not it.

What _are_ you waiting for, anyway?

The tattered remains of the mail flutter to the floor from your fingers, and you kick them aside to leave them for someone else to clean up. "It's nothing to do with you," you say, almost patiently, voice laced with exhaustion.

And why not? Even in the middle of the night, when you're not checking the post you're sitting in the window upstairs, staring out at nothing. Your eyes are unfocused, lined with shadowed bruises from countless sleepless nights that I can't fathom. Every time I look at you, you're just there, vacantly watching the world.

Everything is quiet and still for now, with you in your usual place and neither of us speaking to each other. I think you're too tired to talk, even your normal sharp tongue has been reduced to annoyed scoffs whenever I tick you off over something. That works for me though, I'm rather tired myself and am almost dozing off here in the corner against the wall.

Abruptly you stand up and half run to the door, and you're gone before I can even register what's going on. I hop to my feet and trot down the stairs after you, because obviously it's just the mail. It's the only thing you ever leave the apartment for now.

When I reach the bottom of the stairs, you've already torn through the envelopes and are clutching an open piece of paper and I lean over curiously. That's a first, I don't think you've read any of the other letters you've gotten recently. Maybe whatever you were waiting for finally came and you'll snap out of whatever this is.

You sniff, fists clenching tight around the edge of the paper paper. Your head's bowed so I can't see your eyes, but streaks of tears are gliding down your cheeks and hitting the letter with soft plips. Pressing your hand over your eyes, you crumple the papers up and stand there quivering on the spot.

It's a scary sight. I've seen you cry before, when yelling and snarling and breaking anything you culd get your hands on - but this is different. I've never seen you show weakness like this, in all the years I've known you.

And certainly not to me.

Yadonushi? I put my hand on your shoulder, not sure what else to do.

It takes you all of a split second to recover, whirling around to strike me hard in the face with the flat of your palm and glare at me with your shimmering, furious eyes. "Don't touch me!" Those angry damp cheeks are more like the ones I'm accustomed to. "Just- get away from me, Bakura!"

I hold my hand to the side of my face, it's already welted and hot. But that's nothing new, you've hit me before.

I'm just trying to help.

"You've done enough! You don't understand!"

You can't be mad at me for not knowing what's going on when you don't tell me anything..!

Rubbing at your eyes with the backs of your wrists, you don't seem to be able to stop the tears from flowing. When you finally speak again, your voice is shaky and helpless. "Look just.. just go find somewhere else to live. I can't afford to feed you anymore.." You pause, and laugh darkly, gulping. "I can't afford to feed _me_."

I stare at you. That was it? I've been a thief for more years than you've been alive - a robber of money, of objects, of magic, of souls. Something like this is what I've been waiting for. Let me help.

You practically bare your teeth at me like an animal, the combination with your wet eyes quite alarming. "I'd rather _die_ than let you save me."

* * *

><p><strong>AN:<strong> Sorry for the delay! S discovered My Little Pony and M has been hunting cicadas.

Katz321: Sorry for the confusion, we're getting that a lot. XD But it's kind of experimental so I suppose it can't be helped. Thanks for the compliments! It isn't really soon, but here's an update, haha.

OkayAsAPlum: It's 'cause we don't sleep! Thanks very much, hope it continues to work out well since we're sort of just playing it by ear. u_u

AmeeraSakura: Oh don't worry, I'm sorry if we embarrassed you. D: "It's all Bakura's fault!" Ryou says in answer to your question.

Seren147: I was going to thank you for all the nice words, but then I got stuck on your choice of the phrase "rough lovin'" and now I'm disowning you. XD Also, yes, we're totalling updating the summary on purpose. It's definitely nothing to do with us just sucking. Yes.

Affy-Bakura: Not so happy now, is he. XD


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